Just when things can't get any worse.

So, my hip is not better and hilariously now other joints hurt. My hands mainly but also joining in are my wrists, elbows, knees, lower back and left hip. It started with the hands about four weeks ago, all of a sudden it hurt to lift anything or grip anything - ever so slightly trying when trying to count out someone's change at work or rolling and shaping baps. 

Mornings have become joint bingo. I gingerly climb out of bed trying to work out where hurts and then grading them in order of which hurts the most. 

Hurt, it's such a non word. The pain equivalent of 'nice'. What I mean by hurt is ache. A real solid nagging ache like toothache with additional sharp shooting pains when weight is put on the joint or there is some kind of movement. Along with the pain, I have a variety of other lesser symptoms, nausea that comes and goes, fevers, no appetite. The no appetite one is particularly hard. The last four weeks I've lived on cereal with the occasional meal thrown in. I LOVE FOOD. CEREAL? JESUS FUCK. I love everything about food, preparing, chopping, sautéing, boiling, steaming, roasting, basting, eating. ALL THOSE THINGS. Now I struggle to hold a knife. My roast dinner that my father-in-law cooked for me? My husband had to cut the chicken up for me because I couldn't. 

Doctor's appointment four weeks ago; I explain my aches and pains and how my hands don't really work and the fact I've googled my symptoms and ask if I could have Lupus or Fibromyalgia. I get told no and get referred for blood tests to test for rheumatoid arthritis. Two week's wait for blood test, week's wait for the result (which was negative), referred for further blood tests to test for Lupus. *sideways look to camera* a week's wait for a blood test, a week's wait for the result. This is where I am now. 

I told my husband today that if he wanted to sleep with someone else he could. I can barely walk up the stairs so there hasn't been much in the way of conjugal rights going on. Not that I really want him to sleep with someone else obviously but what if this gets worse? What if my husband has to help me get dressed? wipe my bum? That is the kind of stuff that must surely end any kind of romance. 

Oh have I mentioned my sleep, or lack of it? The pain either keeps me awake for hours on end or if I do get to sleep at a reasonable time, then I wake up when I roll over or catch my hand on the quilt and there I am for hours. 

Non of this is even the worst part. My youngest son is nearly three and now I struggle to look after him by myself. My husband was offered an overtime night shift today. Six pm to Six am. Of course he takes the overtime but I can't really lift our son in and out the bath or keep up with him when he's running about the garden so I had to call my mam to come and help me. Every time I look in to his beautiful face I do an inside (sometimes outside) cry because he is so full of life and energy and when he shouts 'chase me' and races off ahead and I hobble walk behind him I feel he deserves a mammy who can chase him properly.