Self esteem is a trick little twat. I've been going along for years not really giving myself a second thought and then a couple of minor incidents occour and all of a sudden you're second guessing yourself all over the place.
There have been some minor changes to my body recently, my small but perfectly proportioned tits are now non existent since having a baby. This is a bit of a kick in the teeth to be honest. Ten years ago I had a baby with no ill effect to my boobs but now they are saggy and sad, and their sadness rubs off on me.
As anyone with children will tell you, when they are babies it can be a bit relentless, all the nappy changing, feeding, not leaving them for a second in case they wreck the spot can leave a parent feeling a bit frazzled so to that end I returned to the world of exercise about a month ago - circuits classes three times a week and hitting the running machine in the work's tiny gym. I have been pleased with my progress, considering I haven't done any real exercise for two years I am managing not to die in the classes and a five mile run in (just) under 45 minutes. So that's good isn't it? A bit of time just for me, doing something I enjoy in a perverse way. Oh and did I mention I piss myself whilst doing it? Not as in find it all hilarious, but real actual wee escapes my bladder without my knowledge. At first I didn't realise it was happening, I can't feel myself do it and I do get very sweaty when I exercise. So now at the grand old age of 36 I need a Tena Lady 'for those oops moments' (I fucking kid you not) to get me through.
So these two things, the boobs or to be more accurate lack of them and my incontinence* have awoken a voice in my head and I no longer think I'm the bees knees**, now the little voice of doubt creeps in to EVERYTHING. It comes out with cuntish things 'a dress? With your legs? I don't fucking think so' 'you want to have your hair like what? Don't you think you'll look a bit mutton?' And this twattish voice has succeeded in getting me in to a right state because it also comments on not just me, but things I do and now in my head NOTHING is good enough. The house is never clean enough, the food I cook is never tasty or healthy enough and in my head I seem to be giving myself a hard time all the time.
This blog at the minute doesn't have a happy ending, it is a work in progress but any tips would be gratefully received.
*Yes, I've done my pelvic floor exercises to DEATH and yes, I'm doing them properly but it hasn't made any difference. I have been to the doctor though and am off to see a specialist on Monday.
**I don't mean bees knees in a hideous walk-around-with-my-nose-in-the-air-because-I-think-I'm-awesome. I mean I was very comfortable in my skin.
