For those oops moments

Self esteem is a trick little twat. I've been going along for years not really giving myself a second thought and then a couple of minor incidents occour and all of a sudden you're second guessing yourself all over the place.

There have been some minor changes to my body recently, my small but perfectly proportioned tits are now non existent since having a baby. This is a bit of a kick in the teeth to be honest. Ten years ago I had a baby with no ill effect to my boobs but now they are saggy and sad, and their sadness rubs off on me.

As anyone with children will tell you, when they are babies it can be a bit relentless, all the nappy changing, feeding, not leaving them for a second in case they wreck the spot can leave a parent feeling a bit frazzled so to that end I returned to the world of exercise about a month ago - circuits classes three times a week and hitting the running machine in the work's tiny gym. I have been pleased with my progress, considering I haven't done any real exercise for two years I am managing not to die in the classes and a five mile run in (just) under 45 minutes. So that's good isn't it? A bit of time just for me, doing something I enjoy in a perverse way. Oh and did I mention I piss myself whilst doing it? Not as in find it all hilarious, but real actual wee escapes my bladder without my knowledge. At first I didn't realise it was happening, I can't feel myself do it and I do get very sweaty when I exercise. So now at the grand old age of 36 I need a Tena Lady 'for those oops moments' (I fucking kid you not) to get me through.

So these two things, the boobs or to be more accurate lack of them and my incontinence* have awoken a voice in my head and I no longer think I'm the bees knees**, now the little voice of doubt creeps in to EVERYTHING. It comes out with cuntish things 'a dress? With your legs? I don't fucking think so' 'you want to have your hair like what? Don't you think you'll look a bit mutton?' And this twattish voice has succeeded in getting me in to a right state because it also comments on not just me, but things I do and now in my head NOTHING is good enough. The house is never clean enough, the food I cook is never tasty or healthy enough and in my head I seem to be giving myself a hard time all the time.

This blog at the minute doesn't have a happy ending, it is a work in progress but any tips would be gratefully received.

*Yes, I've done my pelvic floor exercises to DEATH and yes, I'm doing them properly but it hasn't made any difference. I have been to the doctor though and am off to see a specialist on Monday.

**I don't mean bees knees in a hideous walk-around-with-my-nose-in-the-air-because-I-think-I'm-awesome. I mean I was very comfortable in my skin.

Half term.

When I look back on my blogs, I notice that every time a school holiday ends, I feel the need to write about it, so sorry if I'm getting a bit boring.
To the uninitiated, I have two sons Simon* who is ten and Logan who is five months. Simon's dad and I are no longer together and over the summer Simon decided to move down south near London with his dad. He visits us (me, husband, baby and dog) in the school holidays.

Dear Simon,

I do this thing called blogging, it's a bit like writing a diary on the Internet that other people can read. A lot of what I write is about you and about how much I love and miss you so I thought I'd write a letter to you to tell you all about it.

I properly loved seeing you at half term, I'm sorry you couldn't come until Sunday because you had a party on the Saturday and that you wanted to go on Friday because you had another party to go to but it made me treasure the time you were here all the more. The zoo was good wasn't it? My favourite animals were the lemurs and the macaws, I thought it was amazing to be able to see them fly around.

I'm sorry that I have to spend so much time looking after your little brother. It must be weird for you because until you were six it was just me and you at my house, then Craig came along and I know at first he found it difficult because he wasn't used to children but he loves you very much now. Then me and Craig got married and then along came Logan and everybody makes a big fuss of babies so I imagine you might feel a bit left out. But as Logan gets older he'll be more fun and will look up to his big brother and you'll be able to teach him to blow raspberries and introduce him to The Simpsons.

I'm also sorry that you don't have the same relationship with me that you do with your dad. I wish with all my heart that I loved Call Of Duty and knew about all the different weapons but my brain is not wired to be interested in those things. I know from the little glimpses I see that you and your dad laugh and joke about lots of things and maybe it's just because I don't see you as often or because I'm a bit rubbish but I don't seem to be able to do that.

When me and your dad split up, every time I took you to visit your dad you used to cry because you wanted to stay with me. You won't remember that because you were only little and I used to wait for you to come back because my life was a bit empty and boring without you. As you got older you and your dad started getting on better, but you were still my very best boy. I changed my job and took pay cuts so I could always take you and pick you up from school snd always loved our time together, you were my best helper in the kitchen and we used to make biscuits or cakes every weekend. I've never had very much money but we used to have days out in the park or at the beach where looking in the rock pools or building sandcastles was fantastic entertainment.

When you started liking wrestling I would try and wrestle with you but I probably wasn't any where near as good as your dad. I think this was the start of you prefering your dad to me. Your dad has always treated you more like his best friend rather than a son and would talk to you about things which I didn't always think appropriate. You were six when I started seeing Craig and you asked me if I kissed Craig's willy. Something which your dad had said to you.

But I was still there every day for you at the school gates, having rushed from work and if you'd been at your dads the night before I would have been in work from five o clock in the morning to make my hours up. I loved our walks home from school where you and your friend would talk about who had been in trouble or what you'd had for dinner.

I could go on and on about how much I love you and how much I miss you. I don't think a minute of the day goes past when I don't wonder what you're up to. I'm happy that you've settled in well at your new school and have lots of new friends but just remember, your room is here for you any time you want it.

Lots of love and massive hugs,

Your mam.